I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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