Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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