you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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