At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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