The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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