I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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