sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
