Only a mothe r could love this liver
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
