I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
