This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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