dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm too high and old for this...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
