last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
