So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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