and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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