At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
