The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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