Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
