I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
