roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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