if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
