Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
