dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize