Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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