He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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