yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
