she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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