More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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