Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
