Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
