Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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