I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
