Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
