Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
