I can text with my tongue
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
