so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You are a genius and a whore.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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