my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
please don't ironically join a cult
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