god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize