i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
