He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We need to rekindle our bromance
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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