Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
