i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
did i walk over a car last night?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
