the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
