so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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