all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
