Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
