sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
