chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
