my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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