it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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