watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize