Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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