I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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