This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
