not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize