My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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