he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
