Dude my mom stole all your condoms
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
