your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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