Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
