I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I want her autograph on my taint
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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