ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
