two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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